


Force of habit

by bunnybinnie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Established Relationship, Kim Seungmin is Whipped, Lack of Communication, Lying Jeongin, M/M, No Dialogue, Possibly Unrequited Love, Relationship Anxiety, Sad Yang Jeongin | I.N, Self-Hatred, Unresolved Tension, Yang Jeongin | I.N-centric, a little bit, he's also worried, he's unsure of his feelings, sort of? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:20:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24631456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybinnie/pseuds/bunnybinnie
Summary: Jeongin realizes he doesn't know if he still loves Seungmin or if he only cares about him. Is it love or habit?
Relationships: Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Kudos: 17





	Force of habit

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Day6's "How can I say"  
> Enjoy!

His arms behind his head, Jeongin throws a look at the boy sleeping next to him. His face looks peaceful and his body slowly moves as he quietly breathes. Jeongin knows he should find the scene adorable, endearing even, but all his mind says is: “Do I still love him?”. It breaks his heart as he realizes he’s afraid of what the answer may be.

The question never leaves his head. No matter what he does, his mind always ends up with that big question mark over Seungmin’s face. Is he still in love? It is hard to tell. Sometimes he believes that yes, he is, because he can’t see himself without the boy. Other time he thinks that no, because he just _wishes_ he could end it all and start over, meet someone new or no one at all and just enjoy the new freedom.

Jeongin is known for his indecisiveness. Apparently, his love life is no exception. He knows he loves Seungmin, he just doesn’t know if he loves him as in “I want to kiss you and call you my boyfriend” or loves him as in “I really care about you” kind of way. He knows he should just… talk about it with him. Communication is key, right? Well yeah, but that shit is way easier said than done. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk about it, it’s that he is unable to even say a word out loud. Because if he talks about it, it becomes real and he might just lose everything he has. He is not ready for his life to change. Seungmin is all he has ever known, and maybe he finds reassurance in familiarity. But because he’s scared, he wonders if that means he still loves him. Then, he asks himself if he’s scared because he’s in love, or because he doesn’t want to lose the one thing that’s been stable in his life in years.

His head is a mess and it shows. Seungmin often asks him if he’s okay, or if he’s done something wrong. “You just seem… distant. Feels like you’re slipping away. Are you okay? You can tell me anything you know? I love you babe, so much,” he says. His boyfriend has a kind heart, his sad smile betrays how worried he is for him and it just adds to everything that’s messing with him at the moment. Seungmin is the sweetest boy he has ever known, and he for sure doesn’t want to be the one who’s broken him. He tries his best to seem cheerful. He tries to smile more and hide what is spiralling in him, so it won’t affect his boyfriend. Jeongin knows Seungmin is like a sponge, he absorbs other people’s emotions as if they were his own. Right now, Jeongin’s emotions are the ocean, and it’s way too much for a sponge… So, he doesn’t say anything. It’s better this way, right?

As time goes by and he still can’t find the answer to the question that’s been haunting him for months now, he just thinks that maybe… Maybe he still loves him. After all, he was rather excited to see his boyfriend again after not seeing him for a few weeks and he genuinely couldn’t wait to cuddle with him. But the fact it still doesn’t leave his mind makes him doubt his feelings again and again, like a never-ending loop that wants him to explode. His mind just goes “if you loved him, you wouldn’t be asking yourself that”.

It feels like his feelings are playing hide and seek. One second, he thinks he’s deeply in love and that Seungmin may just be the love of his life, and the next he feels like he’s lying when he says ‘I miss you too,’ and when Seungmin looks at him like he’s the brightest star in the sky, his heart aches because he knows he doesn’t look at him this way. When Seungmin holds his hand tight and his lips presses softly against his, Jeongin hates himself for wishing the other would just _feel_ the doubt through the kiss. That’s why when his boyfriend tells him once again how much he loves him and that he can’t see his life without him, Jeongin can’t bring himself to say it back. He only smiles and kisses the boy. He hates how soft he can make the kiss feel when in his head a voice is yelling that he’s playing with Seungmin’s feelings.

He’s a coward. A liar. Seungmin deserves better. He deserves someone who would look at him as if he’s the most beautiful thing to have ever existed. He deserves someone who would hug him tight and whisper sweet nothings in his ear, making him feel like there’s nothing more precious than him. He deserves honesty. Jeongin hates himself for never knowing what he wants.

And after a while, it becomes his everyday life. After all this time, Jeongin kind of forgets what it is like to just _know_. It’s wrong, but he’s so used to it now. Seungmin is a habit that he’s afraid to break because it would change way too many things. His whole world would turn upside down, their bubble would pop, and the aftermath is the scariest thing to imagine. He buries the thought far away in his mind, far enough for him to not really think about it that much anymore. Only for it to come back again, kicking him in the guts when Seungmin asks: “Are you happy? With me, I mean.”

Jeongin says yes, and he wants to scream when he hears a voice in his head pleading for Seungmin to spot the lie. Jeongin wants him to yell, to ask why he never said anything, to cry and say he broke his heart… But Seungmin only smiles as brightly as the sun, and Jeongin smiles back, twice as bright. He wonders if lying was always this easy.


End file.
